Wednesday, December 17, 2014

My Child

Sometimes at night, I don't get sleep.
I often hear the sound of wailing trees.
Sometimes I think how my child will fare.
With the wars and the bombs and the knives and the thieves.

Sometimes on the road, I can barely see.
Just feel a flash of people devouring me.
Sometimes I think how my child will fare.
With the words and the eyes – power trips on the street.

Sometimes in life, I can't make peace.
With suffering and noise and horns and sleaze.
Sometimes I think how my child will fare.
In this ball of bricks and bats and beasts.

I am

I am

A small fish in a big pond
A chipped brick on a full wall

An ink stain on a crisp white
A black hole to a world of light

A caravan of thoughts that rolls breakfree
But collides at bends with reality

The fight for a flight of a paper plane
The dreams behind the dust on the window pane

The coin that can't decide between roots and wings
The giggle that stayed back on that childhood swing

Get Up

I often get people writing these soul-touching, mind-bending, tear-jerking, heart-rending emails on my inbox from time to time. Extremely sensitive people. Many of whom I don't even know. Have never met. People from all over - from 15 years old to 50 years old. People telling me about their lives. Sharing their fears and kryptonites.
How someone got cheated. How another's confidence is in the pits. How someone had a life full of abuse. How another's heart is broken to bits.

Sometimes I don't know what to do with these emails. What should I tell someone I don't know, about a situation I've never been in? How do I pull someone up from a bunker of self-doubts and sorrows when I grapple and struggle to wade off my own?
I am no counselor. A listener. A friend. A fellow sufferer. Yes. But I don't have formulas to a perfect life. I wish for nothing but the best for you. But I can't guarantee I have magic fixes.
Truth is, more often than not, we are our own obstacles.
So if you're reading this all I want to say is this.
Appreciate yourself. Love yourself. Appreciate when you fail. Appreciate when you pick yourself up and try again and fail again. Appreciate when you go blank in an exam hall. Appreciate when you get rejected at an interview. Appreciate when you slip on a banana peel and fall flat on your nose. Appreciate when you drop sauce on a crisp white shirt and bite your tongue.
Appreciate when you forget to switch off the fan when you leave the room, for the 551st time. Appreciate when you burn your cake. Appreciate you bang your car. Remember that everything that goes wrong in life, comes with a salvation. God always gives you one right for every wrong. Sooner or later. We don't realise it instantly. But we realise it just in time.
So appreciate yourself. Love yourself. They will tell you that it's easy. But the truth is, it's perhaps the most difficult thing to do in the world. Because we spend all our lives cursing, belittling, doubting and comparing ourselves. With all the rest of the world. Remember that this life is not a competition.
It's not a beauty pageant or award function, merit list or train junction. It's a gift God gave you. For free. So take it. Keep it. And spend it well. The day you stop thinking of this world as a race course, your run will become a lot simpler. The key is always to try and become a little bit better and a little bit stronger than who you were yesterday.
No one can grow you up better than yourself. Not your parents. Not your teachers. Not even God.

All Love Hurts

To love someone is not to fix them. It is not to talk nineteen to a dozen and recap every day. Every gossip, every meal, every moment. It is not about spaces. Not about shirts and dresses. It is not about Skype and Viber. It is not about gifts and flowers. It is not about check-ins and selfies. Not about 'aww's and 'baby's.
It is not about being perfectly synchronized.
It is about coming back after going grossly out of rhythm. It is about holding hands and jumping puddles on the rainy days. It is about cooking and burning the whole kitchen down, and then cleaning up the mess together. It is about bathing the dogs and painting the walls in the weekends. It is about enjoying roadside tea or any side tea as much as cheesecake and calamari in a star hotel.
It is about fighting. It is about hurt. It is about labour. It is about dirt. It is about distance. It is about war. But not for a second to feel that - it's the end of it all.

Heart Breaker. Life Maker.

Some day, stop. Turn around and thank your heart-breaker. Because he has made you stronger, brighter, wiser and freeer than anyone else ever has. He has given you your strongest nibs when you were in your pits. Your most moving voice when you thought you couldn't sing. He has made you discover joy in traveling with yourself. Your talent with food, cameras and paints. Some day, stop. Turn around and thank your heart-breaker. Because he has introduced you to someone no one else could have. Made you understand self-worth like no one else could have. As they say, some people make you free. And some people leave you free. So thank them right through your heart. For once. Wish them well. Like you never before have. Let them make money. Let them have kids. Let them go places. Make it big. Learn to thank. And really mean it. Let go of hard feelings. And see how good you feel.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Delhi Chapter : Page 57


Famished.
After half a day of hyperactive, productive spending.

We reached the file of food-stations.
Sprinkled around the Haat.

The place was peppered with stalls from every possible state of the country.

So we slung ourselves over at the open Sikkim stall.
[ Purnima's recommendation, of course ]
And ordered platefuls of meat.
Neatly tacked up in flour.
[ Hers steamed.
Mine, pan-fried. ]

And as it so happens when two chatty girls sit down for heart-to-heart, we spoke of every possible thing there was to speak about.
Books and films and food and art.
Theatre and Ad and photography and dance.
And a zillion and one other things.  

Pieces of our past were traded in clean.
[ And by the end of the day, she nearly knew everything about me ]

Once, she asked me about my back-story.
Tightening her molten, kohl-smudged eyes:
“So tell me.. How many boyfriends have you had?”

She also confessed that she'd 'stalked’ me on facebook.
Seen pictures and thought I looked like an updated version of my mother.
[ A thing I'm oft told ]

****

Anyhow.
For someone like me, who tends to monopolise conversations, Purnima was quite a participant to contend with.

So after a soothing parley post a hard, long week.
A beer-drenched lunch with delicious conversation.
[ And even more delicious momos ]
We started making for the road.
In the gloaming.

The sky looked like one of those charcoal oil paintings.

As though the dying day was trying hard to preserve itself.
In the magical glow of wet, shimmering smudges...

The Delhi Chapter : Page 56


As I walked in, trying to soak in every detail my eyes could drink up.
I knew, in my heart, this day would be remembered.

And come together for a memory.
Someday, when I looked back.

****

Seemed like the vaporous scent of Delhi had come.
To visit, with me.

A mild, ochre sun kept dropping in and out of sight.
And cresting over the colourful canopies.
In the name of shops.

[ Reds, blues, oranges, greens.
And splashes of every other colour you could think of. ]

And the last dry leaves, napping out on the trees, seemed like they were still holding their own.
Against a slowly encroaching winter.

I felt like capturing the spirit of the place, on a wet plate Hasselblad camera, as it were, mounting it on a tripod with rollers.
Following it wherever it would go.

****

Purnima and I scampered around, from one shop to another.
Purchasing. Bargaining. Pushing. Plugging.

Some shop-keepers (who relented) were sweet.
Others were just plain vinegar.

[ Resembling grumpy fathers of would-be grooms.
Whose eyes tumbled out of their sockets at the slightest whisper of negotiation.
Lest someone dared to give them a totally insufficient dowry. ]